I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
