Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
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