She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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