highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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