like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
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