pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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