I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
