so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
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