I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
