Just cropdusted the office
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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