If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
