Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
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