As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
meet me or not, i'm out of control
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize
