i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Randomize
