i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize