I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Randomize
