She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
