Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize