so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize