you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize
