i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
