God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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