i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
