I'm going to jail i love you
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Randomize
