I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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