My balls are so social today.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Randomize
