life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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