watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
