I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
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