I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
