Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
