Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Randomize
