dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
