i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
