I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
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