I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
