the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
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