hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
