Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
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