so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Randomize
