I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
