This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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