I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Randomize
