I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
You made out with two different species that night
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
