im holly from the hills drunk
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
