made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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