Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
