Too much gin, very little bucket
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
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