Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
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