I wish life had little blips of pornography
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
