im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
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