So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
The feeling are messing with the penis
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
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