If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
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