Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
It doesn't have to be a walk of shame...just pretend he took you to breakfast.
No one shows this much boob at breakfast
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Randomize
